My name is Melissa Dahl, and I am a relationship saboteur...

For all of you who have ever wondered, "Why is that cute little Melissa single", I am here to enlighten you. I am a relationship saboteur. It’s true. I sabotage any possible relationships and I also sabotage any current relationships. Why, you may ask? Well, I get an intense, overwhelming sensation of fear. The moment I think that a guy might actually like me, and that I might actually be required to like him as much, I panic. My stomach starts twisting into a thousand knots, my mouth goes completely dry like Death Valley in July, and my palms start to sweat like the leaves of the Amazon, and my mind, oh if you could only hear it. My mind starts screaming a thousand miles a minute, "What’s going on, what just happened, what am I going to do..." Well, naturally, I do what any sane person would do after the fight-or-flight mechanism has been activated...I run! I run as fast as my out-of-shape lungs will let me. Usually it is fast enough and after the escape I feel a very mixed sense of relief, regret, and most of all guilt. Ah, one more notch to add to my list of broken hearts.
Am I, in any way, proud of my accomplishment? No, I am never proud. As a matter of fact, I go to my dark place and mope for at least a week. I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for the guy, and I feel like a failure. The women we are always complaining about, the ones that break the boys so that they never want to date again...that’s me. I am a monster! Ok so maybe that is a bit extreme, but really I am not normal. To be fair to myself, I don't always realize what exactly it is I am doing until it is already done. I have always thought that the feeling of fear was my answer that he wasn't the 'one' and why should I string him along if I don't feel the same way, but, now I see that it was more of just an overall fear. Its ok, you can call me it; I am a commitment phobe. And I bet you thought it was just men.
I would also like to address the recent issue of flowers. Why did it vex me so much to have flowers sent to me? Does not that show interest? Am I not always tooting my own horn about being a hopeless romantic? Should I not jump at the opportunity to have a romantic notion acted on for me? The answer to all of the above is yes. I most defiantly should want flowers and I find them very romantic and very sweet. However, the Mormon society and generation I have been raised dictates that any and all flowers sent to any one woman by any one man be a representation of extreme like. Yes, when flowers are sent it is usually because you have dated the person, the holiday requires it or he is in big, big trouble. Therefore to receive such a gift is very overwhelming to say the least. As a matter of fact the last flowers I have received from a boy were a dozen long stem roses on Valentines Day my junior year. Since then I have received nothing. This caused the most recent flowers to have a sense of foreboding, like he new something I didn’t. Did I overreact? Absolutely. Should I have taken a few deep breaths and informed myself that since I am a very charming person it is only expected that I should be sent flowers? Yes. All of which, were huge mistakes on my part. If I ever have the pleasure to receive any more flowers for no other reason than someone found my company enjoyable, I will most definitely handle it differently.
All in all, I look at my experiences in life as opportunity for learning and growth. Have I missed out on a lot of great opportunities to date and get to know some amazing guys? I probably have. Ah well, admitting is the first step to recovery.