Every once in a while life throws something at you that really makes you think about the way you live and the things you say.
Around the second week in May my grandmother had an "episode". I say episode because ever since she shattered her knee, she has had them regularly. She has been in and out of the hospital with various issues regarding dehydration, pain, nausea, and her heart. Every time we thought was the last. This time, I refused to think it the last. I brushed off all the concerns of my mother and informed everyone, in a very condescending manner, that she was not dying. A few days later I was humbled by her declining state. My home became a dismal place were strangers came and went at will saying their goodbyes and cousins sobbed on the bedside. A few days later, after my brother and I thought that we could not handle any more, my grandmother was sitting up eating food. The calm before the storm? Well, sort of. It has been the calm before the stormy season. My grandmother, bless her heart, has had good days, denial days, grieving days, and just plain bad days. Every day is guesswork. We never know if she will eat or not wake up. I always knew that I could handle death. This, however, is not death as I know it. When one thinks of death they think of a tragic accident or someone not waking up. We don't generally think of watching a loved one waist away. I have felt so many emotions. I know my cousins find me heartless because of my use of humor and maybe even selfish due to my lack of instantaneous willingness to quit my career. Inside I have felt both. I know, however, that I am not alone in these feelings. At this point in the game everyone has felt them once or twice, along with the guilt that comes after. I feel tired for her and find myself telling my equally tired mom that this won't go on forever. I repeat my aunts favorite line, "this to shall pass." Then think, "who knows maybe my grandmother really is the 4Th Nephi.... "